Everyday is a battle with my own thoughts. My thoughts aren't all irrational. I'm just so hurt by how things are not adding up with us. It's been two years and nothing has changed. There's no improvement, there's nothing and that's the problem.

The fact that you're more certain on us not ever being together than us actually have a chance to be together really hurts. Ever since that day, I've been thinking and trying to put everything together so that I can actually feel like it makes sense. I'm so tired of being heartbroken and disappointed with the man who I thought more of. The man who would fight for me, fight to stay with me.

You kept telling me why do I always expect these kind of things from you, well because I'm fucking in love with you. How am I not suppose to want and expect the best for us. I keep trying and trying to make sense with myself and all my thoughts but I just couldn't find a reason why wouldn't you want to be with me and yet you don't want leave me or her. You're the only person that can make me feel so strong and yet so broken inside.

You and her have almost everything. Both of have a stable career, a great family and most importantly, you both have each other. While me? I only can offer all this love that I have for you. I don't fucking understand why can't you just tell me straight what are your actual feelings towards me? Because I'm so sick and tired with all these things you're trying to cover up for being loyal to her when we both know the damage is already done.

I've already hate myself enough for being bounded by all these rules. Now, you're saying that it'll never happen because of all these man made rules? Because you're a Catholic and I'm a Muslim? This is the reason why we can't be together. It only showed me feel how unworthy I am to be loved just because of my religion. I can't even find the right words to express how hurt I am because all I can do is cry this pain away.

Why can't you just leave Joel? Why can't you just go and be happy with her? I can't sit here idly by. I"m just so fucking angry at you. Why can't you just fight for me? Why can't you just choose me? Why? Am I not real enough for you to fight for me? Nothing ever fucking make sense with everything you say.

All I can do now is this, write all these thoughts out and cry, cry till there's no tears left.