Decisions.

"It's tearin' up my heart when I'm with you. But when we are apart, I feel it too. And no matter what I do, I feel the pain with or without you. Let it go. If you want me girl, let me know. I am down, on my knees. I can't take it anymore."

Some say the hardest part of life is to choose whether to let go or try harder. In my case, the hardest part of life is not know what to do. I have all these thoughts in my head that's been driving me crazy and I just can't seem to untangle it. It's so difficult. Sometimes I can't even deal with all these shits sober. I have to resort to alcohol just so my mind would quiet down and numb.

I don't know why life is throwing shits at me. I'm so tired and I'm so stuck. I just wanna sleep and never wake up. I don't wanna deal with all these uncertainties. I don't wanna deal with all these pain. I just want everything to stop. Just stop and let me breathe properly. Let my eyes adjust to where exactly am I now. Everything is killing me now. My exams, my mind, my heart and my strength to hold it together.

I have so many decisions to make. Sometimes I wish I could just die and not face all of this because I don't know what to do. When it comes to you, everything is so blurry. I'm trying so hard to put everything in order but it's just not working. I love you, I love you so much. But I don't want to see you suffer. I don't want to be a burden for you. You deserve a simple, happy life. And it's hard for me to say this but you won't get a simple, happy life with me.

I'll be selfish to ask you to risk it all for me but I know you wouldn't. I don't think you love me enough to do that. I don't blame you too. I mean, who would ever love me to that extend? Your life will be much more simpler with her. She can take care of you, be with you and everyone will accept both of you. As much as I want us to be settling down somewhere nice and beautiful with huskies running around the garden while we have tea, I don't think that will ever happen. Maybe not in this lifetime.

It's hard not to love you when all I want to do is love you more. Maybe he is right, I brought it all to myself, to you when I could've just leave when you dropped the bomb last year. You wouldn't be suffering and feel burdened. I would be going on with my life like usual. It's really funny, you know. I have a feeling no matter where I go, I still be coming back to you. Hopelessly, helplessly, desperately crashing back to you. I admit, pride and ego aside, I never loved anyone like this before. But then again, it's just me.

I know you're gonna choose her. It's okay, I can take the pain. I don't know for how long but it's okay. It's you. You're perfect. I feel like my soul is latching on to you and my mind has been trying so hard to pull it away. We could turn out to be something beautiful but I guess the world isn't ready for us. You are not ready for us. I want you to be sure of me as much as I am of you. Let time decide for us? Till then.