Shadow Rock.

"How I spend my day time, loosen up the frown, make them feel alive."

For the past few days, I've been dragging myself out of bed just to go classes. I didn't want to meet anyone there. They're not worth to even look at. Sometimes I feel like it's a curse that I can hide my real emotions so well. I hate that I can look and be so convincing. I can't count how many nights I spend letting my mind take over me so that when the sun rises, it'll go away and I'll be fine eventually. To express my feelings is actually the hardest. I don't know how to describe my own feelings and often look pass it because what's the point anyways.

There's another thing about me. I can hide it really well because I don't say anything but people can see it from my face. People would ask am I okay. All I can say is that I'm okay and I'll just get over it. There are times where I'm at the edge of breaking down but I just end up not crying. Times that I almost let it all out and end up not at all. Then they'll think that I'll be fine. What they don't see is how broken I already am in the long run. I break just a little for every time I say I'm breaking down. It was never me letting it all out. It sucks when I'm already at the point of crying it all out, it just naturally hold it back in and I lie to myself that it's just another one of those days.

I don't want to seem weak. The ego and pride is there. At the same time, I try to understand everyone else's problem. Deep down I know that I'll never be okay but I keep telling myself it's okay. Be the rock you are to everyone else. They need me more. I hate the fact that I'm so selfless and willing to do that much for people. I wish I had a tougher heart. I wish I could be selfish and not care about others. I wish someone could be there for me and really make sure that I'm okay, that I'm fully okay. Someone who would just hug me, without saying anything. Hug me till all my broken pieces are back in place. Hold me and let me cry in their arms and actually tell me "I'm here, no matter how many times you want to breakdown, I'll always be right here beside you".

I really don't need any advice. I know it all. I just need someone to be here, beside me and take it all away. Protect me from the monsters that live inside my head. I understand that everyone has their own struggle to handle but are my struggles not worth the attention too? Am I not worth the help too? Am I not worth to be fixed too? That would be selfish of me right. Like always, I feel like everything is just pointless. It's even worse when people say I was never there for them when I need them. Like I said before, be straightforward. If you need me, tell me. Just ask. I can be that blind and stupid. Don't use all those reverse psychology shit on me. I work differently. I'm not like everyone else.

I'm literally just like a shadow. I know I'm wrong at times. I can break too you know? But like a rock, I don't break easily and that doesn't mean it won't crack. It's really tiring sometimes. To not know what to feel anymore. It's just building up for very, very long. Cracks are everywhere on my walls. But you know my emotions, my problem. It doesn't matter. I'm always fine. Till then.