Letting In.

It's the last day of February. Oh how time flies. It's amazing how so many things can happen in two months. So many things that one can feel in two months. Trust me, I have felt a lot for someone who tries her best not to feel anything. Worries, fears, jealousy, anger, sad and disappointments. Everything happens because I care. I care a little too much about people who matters to me but I don't know whether I matter to them.

There are things that I often keep it at the back of my mind. Sometimes when I keep doing that, the back of my mind gets overloaded and I start to go crazy. My emotions will be all over the place. I will be all over the place. I don't expect anyone to fix me because I know only I could do that. I try hard to not let anyone break me even more than I already am. Sucks for me because the ones who usually gets my attention are the ones that has the ability to hurt me.

I deny everything I feel because it's easier not to feel. I push people away because I know that they won't stay when I'm at my worst. I don't see anything in life that is worth the pain because I'm already in so much pain. I want to heal so badly. I want to be genuinely happy. All the fears that I have been living with is so, so tiring. I was so tired of battling with everything. Battling my own thoughts. At a certain point, I finally let go. I let it out, not all but slowly.

I start to spill my fears and worries so that they can make me understand. I want to feel secure and certain of who I'm with because I will eventually give them parts of me that I will never get back. I want to know that all of this will be worth it. Because I know, no one can hurt me unless I let them. Maybe that is why I'm so picky, selective of who I open up to. I learn that I have to stop letting my fears stopping me from what I deserve.

So, I stop denying and start accepting, slowly. I stop fighting my own thoughts. I stop fighting with my own heart. Honestly, I have never felt so much nicer. I'm not gonna lie, I feel peaceful. Not entirely but it's getting there. I start to grab every moment that I can get. My heart is content for now and I'm actually happy apart from all the assignments that are killing me. For once, both my mind and my heart agreed. It feels like everything is slowly falling into place.

I guess it's enough for now. Till then.