Fool.

They said when things hit rock bottom, you'll see who is actually there for you and who disappears when you need them the most. I'm not saying that I'm not strong enough to handle my own shits but it's nice to have someone who becomes your pillar. Someone who stays when you're shaky.

So here's the thing, I think I've made my decision. I'm gonna stop making myself so available for people who don't even give a damn when I need them. Yes, I do need someone to make me feel better because I'm not always gonna be okay. It only hurts a lot because if they were in the same position as I am, I would make myself available to actually make them feel better. But then, not everyone is me.

Sometimes I'll feel tired of being strong, sometimes I would want to lay out all my emotions and just have someone to be there, to listen, to give me a shoulder to lean on. Am I being too selfish for that? I can't blame them too. It's my fault that I expect that from them and get hurt for it. Tell me when did I ever ignore your text, tell me when did I ever ignore your calls when you need me? Tell me when did I not worry when you're sick or feeling like shit? When you needed a friend, when you needed someone to talk to?

You see, that's it. You don't need me. Maybe because I've always been available for you, maybe because I'm always here and you know that I won't go anywhere. That's why you're stepping on my head. It's so stupid of me to let you do it. So you keep me in this box, sealed up. Open it when you're bored, when you're lonely, when you're down, when you just wanna waste time. Then put me back inside that box when you're all happy, when life is okay. You keep me in this darkness when you've gained back your light. 

You know wanna what's even stupider? I still fucking care for both of you. Thinking that by seeing these two guys that I care the most being happy and so it's okay. I let it be. I let them use me. Because their happiness matters more. I literally tried leaving, compromising, forgive again and again, control my thoughts, distract myself, conceal my feelings. But I can't hold it too long, the demons inside of me are just too strong. I fight, they fight harder. I push and they come back.

It's never easy for me to say that I need someone. I never find help when I know I can handle it myself. When I say I need you, you should know that I really needed you. I don't show my weakness and if I was ever vulnerable to you, cried to you or even call, you better be damn sure that I've shown to you something that I would never let anyone see. And after all of that, what do I get? An 'okay', I'm busy, blue ticks, seen messages, late replies, no replies, ignored. 

Is it wrong to want what I want? To want someone to care for me as much as I care for them? A mutual effort. Someone who'll give their all because they know what I'm worth, what I deserve. Things will have to start changing. I have to stop giving because I'm not gaining anything but pain. I'll keep myself composed and I'll keep my feelings away. I have to focus on myself now, I have to make a comeback. I'm better than this and I know it. I can't love and care for people who don't even bother to ask "Are you okay?".

It doesn't matter right? We're all different in our own ways. Maybe it's a good thing you two didn't pick up that night. I won't have to lose anymore than I already have. Maybe I am immature because I express my pain through social sites because where else can I let the pain go apart from tearing up? I'm such a fool. I really am. I'm so fucking stupid. I am so fucking stupid. But I'm fine. I'm gonna stop. Cause all I got is being so selfless till I'm being called selfish. Caring too much and being called only care about myself.

I'm just gonna stop and let myself take a breather. Let my heart be as heartless as it can be again. Let everything go. I'm already 0°C, guess I have to be lower than that. Won't that be better for everyone? Till then.