Can you believe it's been a year we've known each other? One year of ups and downs. Everyone told me to leave you. Everyone told me to stop helping you so much, stop talking to you, stop hanging out with you. Basically just end it with you. But because I'm such a stubborn bitch, I refuse to listen to anyone. Throughout the things that we've been through, I never, ever left you alone when you needed me. I always pick up your calls, I always reply your texts, I always cover you up, I even defended you when people talk bad about you. Why? Because the person that they know and the person that I know is different.
I know it's not fair for me to claim that I know you, who am I right? But I've seen you. I've seen the side of you that you don't even know you have. I see how great you can be, how much better you can do. But how long can I keep letting you use me like this when you're not changing at all? Honestly, I am so tired of you. You are not constant, you are lazy, you take advantages of people who actually care about you, you keep trying and trying to be someone you're not just to impress your "best friends". They are not blind you know. They see what you're not, how you are so full shit sometimes. I mean, how long can you stand being like this? Don't you wanna find yourself? Don't you wanna be yourself? Improve and be better?
You said that I'm immature but you're wrong. Yes, I do act on emotions because I trusted you with it. I was never comfortable showing my emotions to people because that's just who I am. People call me heartless when I'm just really good at hiding my feelings. Then there's one problem with me. I have no in between. It's either I don't feel a thing or I feel everything. I'm a stone cold bitch but with the people I care and trust, I can be very emotional. If I was immature, I would've slapped you hard when you said the kiss didn't mean anything. We wouldn't even be in talking terms if I was being immature. Instead, I forgive you. How is that being immature? Tell me.
That night was really the last straw between me and you. You ignored me when I needed you the most. That week, I've lost myself. I lost Hazel, I almost killed someone and I left him. I was literally at my lowest. I have nothing and I turned to you. I turned to you and what did you do? What did you do! You fucking blue ticked me. You blue ticked me when I texted you about Hazel. You said you're gonna call when I told you I left him and you didn't. When I called you when I was drunk, you didn't even care to ask whether I was okay or what was wrong. Yet, I texted you and asked did you pick up my call and you blue ticked me one more fucking time.
I was already so hurt that time. I cried for more than a week. I cried when I lost her, I cried when I left him, I cried when you did all of that, I cried during my hangover, I cried when he said I didn't care about him at all. I have never cried this hard since 2010. I was so hurt to a point that I went 100% heartless. I just stop feeling. I was so hurt, I told myself I don't wanna hurt like this anymore. Not everyone can drop everything and make time for the people they care to feel better like me. In fact, no one is like me. I give and I give and I give and this is what I get in return.
I used to love you because of how you display such a strong image and yet be completely vulnerable with me. I'm just another cigarette for you. You used me and you stepped on me. Yes, I will always care for you but not this way. Things have to change. I can't keep burning myself when you're in the dark and let you keep me in that box till the next time you're in the dark and burn me up again. I don't know, maybe my choice of words are not really good for this post or I'm just not making sense. I just don't understand.
I literally felt like I was nothing. Instead of getting an "Are you okay?" text from the both of you that day, I got ignored more. Being called selfish, immature. It couldn't hurt any more. But everything is changing now. It's gonna be different. It already is. I see it, he sees it. Maybe someone will treat me right one day. For now, I guess I have to treat myself right.
No comments:
Post a Comment