My Soulmate.

Look who's crawling back to this page again. Seriously, who am I kidding? Not writing is like keeping in the toxic because it's "good" for you. I'm a writer no matter what I'm writing about. Whether it's just a rant, life, once in a while poetry or you. Writing is writing no matter what's it about. There's always a reason for the decisions I make. Be it irrational or pointless, if I think it will help I'll do it. Many days of not talking and expressing, drives me insane. Also, it gave me space. To grow, to realize, to understand the reason behind all of this.

Maybe fighting, denying and pushing my thoughts away is so tiring because that's just not the way. I know that it hurts more to try and forget about you. I wanted to find reasons to forget you, reasons to make me hate you and make it easier to move on. I've tried it all. Distancing myself from you, telling myself I'll be better off without you in my life. But why isn't any of that working? Am I not struggling enough to move on? To forget this, to forget you? How do I forget all these feelings for you?

Maybe this is not the way. Maybe I should accept this. Instead of pushing my feelings away, maybe I should just let it flow. Embrace the love I have for you is the real deal. I guess I have to stop denying, stop fighting. Even when I'm just stating the obvious here, let's do this the proper way. Everything after this would be zero pride and ego. The honesty will just flow for this post and this post only. (Not that it wasn't honest at all before) This time I shall not hold back because it'll be both my mind and my heart speaking. Hopefully at the end of this post, I'll feel much better.

So here goes, we've been at this for quite some time now. Intimacy is never my thing because I like the way how they can just see the surface. I don't feel the need to let people in to see the real me inside. Yes, it sounds very lonely and sad but I'm used to it that way. Then you came along, in the most unexpected way possible. Don't deny the connection between us, it was strong and still is. We got along so well, too well. I never intended to fall for you especially after knowing you already have someone.

It's so nice to have you around. It's easier and much simpler. We understand each other without even trying. I always tell myself that this is just too good to be true. How can someone just know me so well? Someone who not only knows the surface but also knows what's inside. Someone who cared enough to break your walls not because he's gonna leave it broken but to build it with me. And I think that's special. You know almost everything about me and yet you still choose to stay no matter how many times I wanted to leave. That's when I realized that you're my path. Whether it's a dead end or an endless journey.

I've always told myself that one day, my soulmate will come. My prince charming will come and sweep me off my feet. We'll fall in love and live happily ever after. Deep down inside, I'm just a big fat liar, lying to myself. I know there's just no such thing. I never even believe that soulmate actually exist. Then, there's you. Not so prince charming but I never knew what it meant to truly love someone till I found you. With you, I finally understand what soulmate is. I understand how someone just rather die than to not live with someone they truly love.

It's okay that no one understands what we are, I don't expect them to because I can't even understand it myself. That's why I stopped talking about you to them. Honestly, only both of us understand what we really are and both of us are in denial to each other. I know it, you know it. I've always been afraid of you not loving me back the way I love you but I think that ship has sailed long ago. As crazy as it seems and as ridiculous as it sounds, I love you genuinely, truly, honestly and shamelessly. I am strong by myself but I'm stronger when I'm with you. I mean come on, who calls each other fairy and ogre at 1 am. I can never find another you, just another person to love.

Some people love because they make each other better but that's not us. We love one another because we always wanted each other to be ourselves. Nothing will ever make sense between the both of us. We certainly will never be normal. Yes, I know we can never be what we want us to be and somehow I have to move on which I will. It'll always be nicer to be in your arms, to mess around and talk like there's no tomorrow because that's where I belong. Such a stubborn girl I am huh. There will always be that special place for you in my heart. Now, then and always. Because you're home. My home.

I'm sorry to hurt you when I was hurting. I know it's hard for you as it is for me. Sometimes the pain is just unbearable and I know you'll be there for me with open arms. So many cryings in this post. So much feelings too. Feelings that shall be buried back. You know that no way I will ever admit this again right? Maybe in the future, if the feelings are still the same, we should really fuck it and run away. Amsterdam, nice house, coffee on the front porch with huskies running around. You doing your foreign currency thingy and me relating to the public, still.

Sounds like a plan to me. And I love you, it's as simple and as complicated as that. Till then.