Curse.

Let's go straight to the point here. My life has been a series of unlucky events. All I can think in my head now is I'm such a hurt soul. My soul is like a blackhole, that sucks everything good away. I thought things will get better, when will it get better? I'm such a pessimist I feel like punching myself in the face. Yeah I always put on a smile and some people really knows how to make me feel better. Maybe my problems are petty and small but sometimes it doesn't feel like it. Sometimes it feels like the world just wants to collapse on you.

Last night, I just couldn't take anymore. I've been holding on for so long. I've been trying to keep this together, keep my shits together but I don't know. I think I've been holding it in for so long. And last night was the night I let go. I let it all out. I was so broken for so long and yet no one noticed. I just get disappointed over and over again. The people that I was there for when they were in my position, they did nothing. Not even to make me feel better. Is it wrong for me to expect them to be there when I really needed them? Why is it everytime when I am at my lowest and I always find myself crying alone in the room. 

I cried for help and what did I get? I got pushed away, I got ignored. Like I didn't matter, my problems don't matter and so is my pain. I feel tired all the time, like there's no reason, no motivation for me to wake up in the morning. Because this world is just so cruel. The people that I care the most are so cruel. People only care about the exterior but never actually cared enough to look inside of you and ask "Hey, are you okay?". Yes I know I'm very bad at opening up. I know I don't express my feelings so well and that's why I choose to put up a smile on my face all the time.

Is that not a sense of strength? And still I've been called weak when I finally let it out. That's where you're wrong. For me to admit something that is so personal is such a big deal for me but it was nothing for you. That's the thing about me. I have all these expectations on people whom I thought will at least be there to listen, just listen and make me feel better but they always end up talking about themselves or tell me everyone goes through that and it'll end. Telling me that I don't know how to handle my life. I know exactly how to handle my life but sometimes I just need somebody to lean on you know? Somebody to be my rock for once and let me rest.

I don't ask for much, just a shoulder to lean on and an ear that's willing to listen. It's not easy for me to ask for help and when I finally have the courage to do it, they just make me feel like I'm not important at all. Nothing hurts more than that. Sometimes I feel like being me is a curse. Being too emotional is curse. Someone who feels so much is painful. Maybe that's why it's so hard to love someone like me. I scare people away. Till then.