Stuck

I spent 4 years building walls to protect myself. Then you came along and ruined everything in the most beautiful and destructive way possible. I knew what was I getting myself into. I felt the connection even before you dropped the bomb. I should've left that night. I shouldn't have let my friend text you. I shouldn't even let you explain what were you doing. I should've cut it off before it went so deep like it is now.

But you don't get to choose who you fall in love with. And that's exactly what happened, I fell in love with you. Of all the people in the world, I fell in love with YOU. Who already has someone, who makes me so damn happy, who understands me completely, who makes me wanna stab him alive and just drives me insane. How could someone like you possibly make me feel so much. Feelings that I never thought I'd feel again.

We built this rollercoaster ride together but I know that we won't be ending the ride together. Why? Because you have someone else. You are her soulmate. It's not like you didn't love her, you do. And you love me too. That's what kills me the most. I keep wondering, who's the last person on your mind right before you go to sleep because I know the one in mine is you, it has always been you since the beginning.

I loved you on the days we get along so well and I still loved you on the days you hurt me so bad. I left so many times and still came running back to you. But it has to stop isn't it? It has to stop somewhere. Because I can't keep going on like this knowing that I will not spend the rest of my life with my soulmate. I have to give up somehow, I have to let go somehow because you belong with her and not me.

Honestly, I am just so, so tired of this. You driving me with all these emotions. And lately, I don't feel much happiness. Just sadness and pain. I can't take this anymore. But how? How exactly do I leave and never come back to you? How do I unlove you? How do I make these feelings for you go away? How do I move on? What if I'm never going to heal ever again? Since I'm already so broken now. Will I ever be able to heal?

I don't want to feel so stuck anymore. Things just doesn't feel right anymore. I can feel that we're drifting away. I can feel that we're just not being us anymore. Go love her, please go. My shield is broken so just kill me. Just make the pain go away. Why is it so hard? Why? There's nothing I want more than to be with you but it's not going to happen and I'm just so angry at the world! Damn it Joel, damn it.

Sigh. I don't know how to put my feelings in words anymore. There are just none. So here's the real pain.

Maybe you are not my soulmate, maybe you're not the one. Are we even in love? Do you even love me? Because two people who love each other will always find a way back to one another. They will be there by their side when they fall no matter what. They find time for each other, they make the effort. That is not me and you. That sounds much more like you and her. She's your true love. She's your soulmate.

And me? I just came at the wrong time and still fell in love with you anyway. Maybe we were just not meant to be but why does it feel so right with you? I don't know. I don't know what's going on. I need to go. I have to go. These thoughts give me nothing but anxiety attacks. Till then