It's Complicated

Some things in life are just hard to explain. Some things are just easier to understand when it is felt. You never truly know what a person feels unless you felt it yourself. A life like mine is destined to be complicated. Everything or anyone that comes across my life will know or see how my life works but they just never truly understand what it's like to walk in my shoes. Somehow, I find myself saying that it's okay that they don't understand. I guess that's why I'm so accepting to people's weird behaviors.

It does feel like a curse sometimes to be me. I have a very solid heart but also a very soft one. I get so mad and angry but I forgive easily. I want them to suffer but yet I hate seeing them unhappy. I have my ego and pride that's as high as cloud 9 but I still put it aside for people that I love and care about. I can be heartless as fuck and yet at the same time so emotional and vulnerable. There's no in between when it comes to me. I guess that's why it's so hard to keep up with me sometimes. One second I don't give a fuck and another I care about everything and everyone. Plus, being a half breed is already a curse enough.

When I'm mean, I can be so cold your bones will shiver and when I'm nice, I'm just so damn fucking nice. I love who I am, there's no doubt but the consequences of being me is just too much sometimes. To find someone who would accept it all. I mean, that person just has to be super patient when it comes to me. I'm like a fucking hurricane once I get going. I'm the kind that "it's nice to see but not to touch" person. I mean you can see and get to know me but once you're in, you're in. No way out. Unless I throw you out cause that'll be more than easy for me.

I guess that's why the people that I'm attach with gives me a really hard time. Because they affect me the most. I care about them so much. Like my mom, my best friends, Joel and Hazif. They are the kind of people that I just can't run away from. There's always that little voice in my heart that leads me back to them. They are all a part of me that I can't get rid of. All my softer sides are with them. Even if one of them is an anchor that drags me down. It doesn't matter because all of them means so much to me. 

All of them balances my life and Joel makes me complete. I might have said that I love you and him both but deep down I know that I love you more. You're the sane in my insanity. You're my soulmate, nothing is going to change that.