Pissed.

"Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings. Always darker, emptier, simpler." 

- Friedrich Nietzsche

If throwing away your feelings is an option, I'll be the first to do it. I've been having difficulties of understanding the people in my life and what do they want from me. I seriously have no idea what's going on anymore and I don't even bother to keep up with it. I'm tired of keeping up with your emotions, your negativity that never seems to go away.

We used to be able to talk to each other so well. Everything was just connected, on par, same wavelength. Now, I can't even go a few texts without wanting to fucking yell at you every single time. Maybe we're meant to be on different paths and this is just a sign of us drifting away. Saddest part of all is I don't even feel anything. I don't feel the need of keeping this, fixing this and preserving what we have or had.

You being so frequently inconsistent is really bothering me. The fact that you know I hate things that aren't permanent just makes it worse. We've made things clear between each other so why are you leading this to a gray area? Of course it gets me upset because I want to keep this and you're just not letting me. Then, you'd come around asking why am I so angry all the time. Why are you making things more complicated?

Some things are just meant to be kept simple. Yes means yes and no means no. Don't blur the lines and make it worse. Maybe you don't realize what you're doing, maybe you're just too blinded by your pain. I know it's not easy but you can't be moping around thinking time alone can heal things. Stop thinking about the pain, get up and do something for yourself. Stop jeopardizing your own body, your own soul because you only have one.

Sometimes it really got me questioning. Like do I really deserve these kinda men in my life? When all this while, I've tried so hard to find someone that's nothing like my father. But just look at the ones I have in my life. The one I truly love is taken and the one I really care about is not being himself. Do I really deserve the kinda treatment they've been giving? Feeling neglected, not wanted, an option, a door mat where you can just walk over?

I don't want to be in a place where I'm not wanted. That I always have to feel like I have to include myself and when things are difficult, you choose to ignore me. For me, the little things do matter. But guess what? I've reached to a point where whether you are in my life or not doesn't really matter anymore. I don't need the "in-betweeners" in my life. I don't have time for that kinda uncertainty. So you ask yourself whether you want to be a part of my life or not?

Cause if you don't then please, fuck off. Till then.