Helplessly Surrender.

"See it's a chance we've gotta take. 'Cause I believe that we can make this into something that'll last forever, forever. Why do I keep running from the truth? All I ever think about is you. You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized and I just got to know. Do you ever think when you're all alone? All that we could be, where this thing could go? Am I crazy or falling in love? Is it real or just another crush? Do you catch a breath when I look at you? Are you holding back like the way I do? Cause I try and try to walk away but I know this crush ain't going away...."

Things are hitting me very bad lately. Especially in school. It's not easy to be strong. To be in a state that I'm being right now. Sometimes I just wish I could surrender and let it hit me. Let it hurt me. Let it stab me and break me into pieces. Not even planning to put it back together. And it always seems that breaking down is easier than sucking it back up. I guess that is how you feel when you let someone you care so much slipped away. Well, I bet he's having a lot of fun right now with her and his friends. I don't mind. As long as he is happy.

I have been finding rebounds. Well, I actually did found someone new. He makes me happy. He's everything I always wanted. Tall, speaks English really well. We can talk about anything. Adorable. He makes me smile. I'm happy when he's around. Then when I go to school and when I see you, it all changes. It's like he didn't even exist in the first place and all I see is you. Those silent moments when I look at you. That odd feeling struck straight to my heart. The pain and the happiness all at once. Watching you laugh with your friends and just hearing that voice gives me the ache and sugary feeling at the same time.

Sometimes when our eyes meet and I always look away or you do. Sometimes when I look at you and caught you already looking. The amount of questions and uncertainties that bothers my mind is so sickening and tiring cause I know I will never get the answers for them. Remembering how strong we both were. How fun it is to be with you. How we always believed that forever of ours that we created. Or maybe it's just my imagination acting up again. Thinking that you would actually like me back, back then.

Well let me tell you something now, I honestly admit that it's proven no matter how many guys can make me happy, how many guys can make me smile, how many guys that ask me out or confess to me. You should know, it will never be enough. Why? Cause they're not You. I'm not asking you to be in a relationship straight away. We just go with the flow and it used to go so well. We work things out like we used to do. I'm not giving up on you as long as you're not giving up on me. I can tell you this is worth the risk.

I'm here to stay. Unless you had your eye on someone else. Tell me that the connection is still there. I still feel that it's impossible for you to actually cut it off just like that. All the times you feel uneasy and wrong. I felt it too you know. I felt it too. Don't deny that this connection we have is weird, odd, call it whatever you want. We both know that this is true. This is happening. Me and you. No matter how much you avoid or no matter how much I try to deny and run away, something will always brings us back.

Yes I am hard to handle with my over leaking emotions and overthinking mind. You're not that easy to handle too okay? I've been trying to invade your mind so badly. Trust me. You are different. You're not worthless and I love you just the way you are. You make me complete. You caught me right from the start. Those unexplained coincidences we always had and still experiencing. Don't be afraid. I know it would last between us. Cause you are my forever and I'll keep waiting. I'll keep waiting till you come back. Cause you're worth it.

Scold me, be angry at me. Rant all your angers at me. I can take it. As long as we are together, nothing's gonna stop us. But being apart from you just breaks my heart entirely. Neither of us is happy. Tell me why. Tell me. I'm so lost without you. Pretending to be happy and strong is not me. You bring out the best of me despite all the arguments we had. Maybe it's just not the time yet. My head hurts and everything is so blurry now. I'm gonna end this never ending essay.

No more heart to heart talk. All he's gonna do is rant saying "You don't know the whole story" and bla bla bla. Just tell me already. I'm not gonna stab you and run away. Ugh. Till then.