Dwelling.

I know I'm not supposed to dwell. I have to be strong and all those shits. But unfortunately I'm not. I'm letting go all of it right here right now. I don't care how stupid I'm gonna sound and how stupid all of this is gonna be. I'm letting it out. No more holding on. So here it is.

I miss you a lot. Ever since I felt that everything is fading. Ever since we got into that huge argument about that stupid hang out that I wasn't invited. I regretted getting mad cause you replied late and went out without telling. It all comes back to I actually do not have the right to know where you go or what you do but I don't know why. I don't know why I acted that way. I was a jerk. I am sorry.

I miss you. I miss how you always wait for me to sleep. I miss how we always talk from the time we woke up till we sleep at night. I miss how you always correct me by saying "We" instead of "You" or "I" every time I compliment you. I remember how you said our forever is gonna last. That nothing can get in the way of our routines. I know I'm overreacting here but I don't care cause I'm speaking the truth.

I miss so many things about you, about us. I miss so many things that I know it will never happen again. All these regrets and guiltyness is killing me. When you left, I literally thought I could move on and live without you. That it would be a piece of cake. In reality, I was just lying to myself. Now I'm like who am I kidding? Getting over you is harder than getting over SK till I have to find rebounds. Even my rebounds are just plain useless cause I'm expecting them to be you and I slapped myself and realized, no one can be you. No one can replace you. No one caught me as much as you did. Even Danial. He is just not you and happiness with him is just temporary.

When it was with you, everything was perfect. That happiness I felt till it killed my cheekbones. Only you can make me feel that way. Who else can mix in so well with my insanity and crazy life better than you do? No one. You are my insanity. You are the piece of me. Why do I feel the connection is still there even we stopped talking long ago? Why do we still have unexplained coincidences even our routines had been called off? I heard so many stuffs about you. Some that stabs right thru me and some that just give me a little hope about you coming back. But what am I supposed to do? To keep expecting and hoping? I might just end up hurting myself even more.

I want you to say it to me. I want you to explain to me what happened other than me being a total jerk. I want you to tell me everything. I don't wanna hear it from anyone else. I wanna hear it from you. So that I'll know the truth and maybe just maybe I can let go by that time. Cause it seems impossible to do it right now. Honestly, I liked you from the time I realized how rare you were. I guess I was holding you too tight cause I was too terrified that you might just fall for someone else. That I might just lose you then. Well I did lost you and I still can't accept whatever that happened.

I am still in love with you although I thought I could move on and forget about you. Sigh I don't know what is wrong. What is happening. What am I gonna do now. Do you see how lost I am? How lost I am without you? Sigh. Till then.