If You Know What I Mean. . . .

Here I am, sitting here. Alone. Staring at an empty page trying to put out the words that I want to say. I kept typing and deleting. I just couldn't find the exact words to express what I have gone through these past few weeks. I don't think anyone has noticed how quiet I am these days. How quiet I am since that day. It's okay. I have a lot of people hurting me. People were expecting me to cry or get mad. All they saw was a plain smile and a blank face from me. I wish I could just burst out in tears. I wish I could just tear up all the time till my eyes are swollen. I just wanna lay in bed and cry it all out. Cry till I'm all dried up.

I couldn't. As hard as it is to believe, I can't cry. I want to cry but I can't. I can even count how many drop of tears then there's nothing. I want to cry. Cry myself a river but it's not happening. I just couldn't cry anymore and that's bad. So bad cause everything is bottling up in my heart. Loud voices in my head all the time. My mind is literally overloaded. There's just this suffocating feeling in my heart that makes me wanna cry it out but there's no tears. No tears at all. I'm in such misery. Misery. No, you wouldn't understand. Nobody can and nobody will. I suffer alone.

I don't need your sympathies cause all you ever gonna do is throw mean words at me. I used to have such big dreams, such strong inspirations. Now it's all gone. Poof. Gone. I'm so lost. I'm all over the place. I'm broken than broken. I want to fix myself so bad but I just couldn't. I want to get over you so bad, trust me I really do. I break things, throw things, scream and shout but I couldn't do the things that you could. No one could. Say the right words. Do the right things. Put the pieces back. I can't do it. I can't do anything. Honestly, you were my inspiration. You were my everything and when I lost you, I lost everything too. I'm just as broken as I can be now.

Now, I know you hate me. I know I humiliated you in front of your friends. I know you never liked me and that you hated me so much you had to ask your best friend to say it to my face. Cause you know he was harsh enough to hurt me with his mean words. The words that you didn't have the balls to say it to me yourself. I remember everything. I remember what he said to me. Every single word, every single detail of it. "He doesn't like you", "He will never like you", "Please, accept the fact that He Doesn't Like You". You know how vengeful I am but I always kept that side of me far far away. I don't really care what he says. I don't hate him for it. All he want to do was to "help". I see how that is going.

I don't expect you or your friends to understand why is it so hard for me because I know deep down inside that through the connection, the things I said to you is true. You know that no matter how far you try to run away, how long you try to avoid, in the end of the day, that right moment before you fall asleep at night or whenever you and your mind are left alone, you'll feel incomplete, unhappy, unsatisfied, confused, frustrated, irritated. Why? It's simple, running away and avoiding your problems are the easiest way out and also the easiest way for the problems to hit back right at you. Oh wow, did that whole paragraph made any sense? Nah, I don't think so. I'm just crapping some shits around.

But again, what does it matter right? Why should it even bother you? You're happy now. You have everything you ever wanted. You fit in so well with them. I'm glad you don't have that 'being afraid of not fitting in' phobias anymore. What a pro. A round of applause for you. You should be happy of yourself. Seriously, give yourself some credit. Should be proud of yourself. I see you living in the north as cheerful as you can ever be. I mean that is what it's all about right? Being yourself? I guess, you're not as worthless as you think you are now, aren't you? Cheerio.