Still Looking, Finding, Searching but not Going Anywhere.

This blog is where I always tend to pour all of my petty problems that pretty much no one cared about. Sometimes I have too much on my mind that I just can't say it out. That's why I chose to write everything out in my mind. It's where I tend to just stare and a blank page or a blank paper trying to figure out the best way to write everything out.

Lately, there has been a lot going on in my head especially. I'm still not quite sure how to explain it all. I have recently called it off with my recent love. It hurts me to do so but I had to. I know that it's my fault. People say it is the most cliche break up line "It's not you, it's me". When it actually happens to me, I really get it why they say that and it's not because I just simply say it. I really meant that it is me and it was never you. I agreed myself to this because I really thought by loving him, I could fix back all my broken past and my broken heart. It took me that long to realize that he is depending on me more than I am depending on him. That I am fixing him instead of me getting fixed.

Everything I had with him was genuine and true. No lies. I loved him with all my heart. It's just that I don't want to be hold back by this commitment when I know that I could go further. I also want him to find himself by his own. Chase his future and actually learn to see the world for himself. I love him but it's just time for me to let this go. Let him go and let us go. This is the part that I wish he could accept and understand clearly. I am really doing this for his own good and also mine. Well, for the both of us. If we were really made for each other then we shouldn't be scared cause we will always find our way back to each other. For now, there are other things more important to focus on.

I really realized a lot of things and it's not only from him but also from my mom. She is always right. Well, sometimes. Yes, I need a man. I also need a man who can make me feel that I will be safe. A man who would not only want pleasure but also can be totally vulnerable and still be strong for me when I needed him to. I guess till I find this kind of guy, I will be too focus on achieving my dreams. Sometimes I just really get so lost in track and I just forget what I'm actually here for. I just lose my self-esteem and self-confidence. I don't even know what I'm doing. It's like answers are just at the back of my mind but somehow I can't reach it. What's happening to me? Is there really something wrong with me? Or am I just, I don't know, not special?

Well this past week was a bit wild for me. I drank and also dyed my hair. I must admit, I kind of like drinking. In a way, that awful taste of alcohol just makes my mind loosen up? Like it just disappears and it was quite. But I can't drink. My mind is too uptight for that. I dyed my hair knowing that my lecturer will not approve but what the hell right? I need a makeover. What else would be better than changing my hairstyle. It's just a girl's thing. LOL Anyways, I just guess that it was time to change. To actually love myself more, love all my flaws. Be proud of who I am. Get out the diva bitch in me.

I haven't been getting any inspiration lately. I need it now more than ever. My MC speech is in a day and I really want to make an epic speech like how I did with the speeches I did earlier this semester. I just feel so small and shit. Just shit. I hated the way she looked at me yesterday during the presentation. I hated it. I don't say it but it kills me. It kills me that she looked at me that way yesterday. But it was also my fault. I got blank and it was a last minute work.

Well, good luck to me. Till then.