Changed

It was Christmas a few days ago. I spend it with two of my best friends. When Elaine and I were talking over dinner, she said that she's proud of what I have become over the year. I have changed and grown so much. I was so touched when she told me that. It meant a lot to me. She actually noticed. I guess that's why she's my best friend, my soulmate and my everything.

Take a trip back throughout the years, all the pain that I've been through really made me who I am today. I was immature, short-tempered, naive and literally crazy. I was betrayed, lied to, back-stabbed, even had the world against me and God knows how much more. When I was hurting, I realized that I also hurt the people around me. I was selfish for only seeing my pain and not realizing what I'm doing to others and especially to myself. I used to have so much hatred in me that I do things that I regret. I did things that are stupid and made people see me differently.

The past few years, I admit that I am emotionally unstable. But never once I doubted that I am something special. Maybe back then I never had anyone who believed in me. Trust me, everyone hated me back in high school. I'm like the craziest bitch who flipped the table when she got dumped. Everyone saw me differently. I was the high school drama queen. A psychopath. I wasn't surprised that no one loved me for who I was back then. It only needs that one person to tear you up completely in pieces so that you can reshape yourself, reconstruct yourself and never be that person ever again.

It took me four years people. Four long suffering years to realize that I am better than anyone of them that talked down to me. It took me those four damn years to actually turn into who I am today. Four years of countless failed relationships, countless betrayals, back-stabs, people not trusting me and countless of awful judgments. The most painful moments were the ones that came from my own family. I've been torn in to pieces again and again till one day I just snapped out of it. I told myself, enough is enough. This is not who I am. I am a star and I am special. I don't need anyone to tell me that because deep down I was certain of who I am. Nobody defines who I am except for myself.

Since that day, I build walls. I learn to control myself. I kept my heart locked up. Train myself to be as heartless as I can be. I learn not to give a fuck about what people think about me. No more letting people in, no more putting trust on people who don't deserve any, no more childish mind games with useless people. Don't blame me if I come out too strong sometimes or if you feel that I'm heartless or cocky. Like I said, the amount of pain that I've gone through doesn't give you the right to judge me. I do not need a lot of people to understand me. If you can't accept or love me for who I am then I'm just really sorry for you. If you want me in your life then make an effort. I am not anyone's second choice. Actually no one is anyone's second choice.

Though sometimes, I've gotta admit, living like this can be scary. Fear of not finding the right one. Fear of repeating the same mistakes my parents did. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of being attached and opening up to someone who has the privilege of hurting you. All those scary thoughts that haunts me at night. I can push it to the back of my mind and some other days I just let it all out through tears. Like Coldplay said "Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard". It's fine because I'll always be fine. I just smile it off and it'll be okay. Right?

Bottom line is I am not living in the past anymore and all I know, people will judge no matter what. Whether to take it or not it is always up to you. You always have a choice. Go with your instinct and never doubt it. Life is too short to live in doubts. I know that and you know that. Don't worry, I'm still nice if you're nice to me. I'm still me but better of course. Happy New Year! Till next year ;)

(The most honest post of the year!)