Idiocy

Today is just a really shitty day for me. So today's post is basically an update on what's happening in my life. I'm just going to be totally frank here.

Last night, after hanging out with my two closest friends, I went back to Elaine's place. I was having a really bad stomachache thanks to the coffee I had. After that, me and her talked till 6am. We talked about lot of things. Every time we have these kinda talks, yes it is never ending but I like it because it makes our bond stronger. We feel even more connected than we already are. During the talks, I always realize a lot of stuffs because both of us are natural analyzers.

One of the things that I come to realize is about friends and betrayal. I cannot deny that I have a lot of guy friends. Some people do not understand the feeling of being connected to someone. It can be physically or mentally and in rare occasions it can be both. For me I have one guy friend who I am physically and mentally connected with but it doesn't mean that I like him in a romantic kind of way. When I was with my ex-boyfriend, I got so sick and tired of reassuring him that me and that guy is not involved romantically. I didn't feel that way then and I don't feel that way now.

I already tried to explain to him that our break-up has nothing to do with anyone but myself. I don't need my guy friend to make me realize that both of us are just not right for each other. We both are at a different level. I feel stressful when I'm with him more than I feel happy. It's just a matter of time. I have thought about it long ago and it was not a sudden break-up. I also tried to make him feel less unsettled but no he just never listen!

Instead he use someone to get to me and try to dig out the real reason of the "abrupt" break-up. That is very stupid of him. It just shows how immature he is and to even have the thought I would actually fall for it. He could've just asked me straight. I wouldn't mind. I can give him the answer right there and then why we didn't work! Wow such nice friends he has right? He never thought that for a second his friend that he used on me was my friend too. But it was all lies. He and his goddamn friend! Whatever I say to both of you imbeciles, you won't believe it because it's not what you want to hear. I wasn't lying for all the times I said that I love you and I wasn't lying either when I said we will not work out.

And to your beloved friend, you seriously think that you can outsmart me? Not even close. Our recent "reunion" was nothing but based on lies and you siding my ex-boyfriend! I thought you understood. I thought I made you understand. I made it very clear. This is just stupid. You are stupid. I put my trust on you since we were friends for 2 years. I know that I have made own mistakes but you are just full of shit. You think you know it all. You think that you felt all the pain in the world. It's not about why I should give him a chance because I was good for him. It's about whether we can make each other better or not. So far, I don't see it. It is just so damn stressful!

Friends like you make me realize why do I put my walls up, push people away and hang out with only the same two people. Betrayal doesn't come from your enemies because they show their hatred straight up. Betrayal comes from friends. Friends who you put your trust on. By giving them your trust, you give the ability to betray, to hurt you. So I guess yeah. Still feeling so damn shitty. All the talks. I regretted. My mistake for giving you my trust. Till then.

P/S: This was written a week ago.