Zone Out

I saw a phrase the other day saying "the only ones awake at 3 a.m. are the lonely and the loved." I'm neither lonely or loved. Maybe slightly lonely. Someone can just totally define my life as insane since I do so much of talking to myself in my blog. Come to think of it, I do talk to myself more than anyone. Am I that crazy? Honestly, I know that my mind is just very messed up. No one can learn to love such a messed up mind as mine. It's dark and terrifying. Lol

Due to my lack of social life with real human beings and rare occasions of hang outs, I tend to find myself zoning out once in a while when life gets a little bit lonely. By zone out I mean totally out of the real world. Sometimes I would just sit back, put my earphones on and just let myself dissolve in every words of the songs that I'm listening to. For some weird reason, I get lost in my own mind. Yeah, I know. I ask myself everyday why am I such a freak.

If it was not weird enough, I zone out at the most random time and places in my life. At that time, I won't even realize that I zoned out. I start to wander around my mind. The happy places where everything is just simple. I see myself feeling so happy. It was bright and peaceful. In a way, I saw myself through my eyes. No longer the messed up child. I was shining like the star I always knew I was. I looked around and I see all the people in my life, looking at me proudly, smiling back. My mom, actually smiling back. My dad giving me his usual pat on the back. Then, at that moment everything just feels right. My one and only soulmate surprises me from behind, takes me by the hand, taller than me as I imagined, leaned in and kisses me on the forehead. Everything is perfect and beautiful. It felt beautiful. So beautiful that it's too good to be true.

Even in my mind, perfection is just as deceiving as it looks. Suddenly, I felt a very bad feeling. I look up at the skies and I see darkness taking over. All the picture perfect scenes earlier shatters right in front of me. It shattered into pieces. I see people leaving one by one. Smiles turn into angers, disappointments and tears. It felt like everything good was turning bad. I stood there helplessly, not being able to move. The skies grew even darker till there was nothing left. Everything is colorless. I dropped down to the ground feeling like every negativity of life is being absorbed in me. I felt the pain, the horrible pain of life that I went through few years back. I wanted it out of me so badly. I wanted to scream but there was no sound. I wanted it to end desperately.

I snapped out of my mind. It felt so real, I found myself wiping the few teardrops off my face. Finally back to the real world. I pause my music, pull out my earphones and asked myself what the hell was that. I kind of always just leave it that way cause it's haunting. It was so much emotions at once, I don't think I can handle that. To realize it was all just in my mind makes it even worse. Boy, I have issues. It's fine that if people do not understand me. All I really want is someone who can accept, love all of that and still think I'm perfectly sane. I think I'm asking too much. Honestly, who am I kidding? Haha

I think I just watch too much movies. Well, just another night and another post from me. Till then.

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