"Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes. But it's the only thing I know. When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes. It is the only thing that makes us feel alive."

Love comes in all kinds of form. It doesn't have to be a boy and a girl to feel love. It could be friends loving their friendship. It can also be a master loving his dog. Love doesn't come with big gestures like buying an expensive car for their significant other (though it's not a bad idea hahahaha). Love is simple. The little things we do for each other that touches our heart.

In my experience, I had all kinds of love. Tough love, easy love, fast love, painful love, letting go love, distance love. For someone who is only 21, you just name it. However, there's also something called true love. Like finding a combination of best friend and soul mate or a big sacrifice for the one you truly love. That's the rarest among all love, I think. Like all my previous blog posts, I did mentioned that I have A LOT of bad (and almost) relationships that I never wanna talk about it. Basically, I can get all the love I want. Easy love, fast love but I can never get that one love I wanted, needed most from. My mom.

Yes I know. I came from a broken family (not making it an excuse for my tragic yet beautiful life). My mom had a really hard time raising me and my sister up, alone. I also am the hardest to handle for her. She said it herself k. I'm just the most troubled, problematic child that anyone can ever have. Hahaha I am thankful that she provided everything that I need. Money, clothes, education, everything is just there. That's everything a child could ever ask for. But when it comes to emotions, she showed none. Yeah, I know she's giving me tough love but does it have to be all the time?

Sometimes, I really try not to think about it because I already have everything. What would I want more? But then, why do I feel like I was never good enough for her? I always observe the way she treats my younger sisters. Like the little things she does for them but never did for me. She would ask my sister how did she do in her driving lessons. She would smile to both of my sister without any reason. I can see the obvious affection I wanted the most and she's giving it to both of them. Is it because I'm the first child and I have to be so strong and independent? I don't know. I feel like I'm making a big deal out of this.

My whole life, I never remember once she compliment me for something or anything. Every time I felt like I succeed in something, I would want to tell her first and expect at least a simple smile. Mostly, the reactions I got was her telling me that that's the best I could have done or no reaction at all. No matter how happy I am with myself and if my mom says that I'm not good enough, I'll just cry. Literally. It hurts so badly. It cuts really deep. All her words. Am I just really not good enough for her? Is there something wrong with me? Seriously.

Everyday I tell myself, it's okay. I know that she loves me but in a different way. I tell myself, she sacrificed so much for me. Maybe I just didn't see it. Though life is always tough, I'll always tell myself, she's been through worse compare to what I'm going through. Every time I feel like I'm giving up, I remind myself repeatedly that I'm doing this for her. I want to make her proud. I want to see that proud face. The 'that is my daughter' face. Hopefully, one day. One fine, rare day. But still, come on mom! Not even a pat on the back "You go girl!" ? Okay.

Love can be a bitch sometimes. I think what kept me going on was I always believed even when I have every damn reason not to. I can't even get my mother's love and I'm expected to understand love? Guess I never will. I tell myself that but my heart still believes that I'll find my one true love, my soul mate and blablabla. Stupid heart. Psshh. I guess that's all from me. Love you, mom. Till then.