March

"You and me, we made a vow. For better or for worse."

I'm scared. I feel like I've been losing it this month. There's no motivation. My heart is not here. Maybe because I'm just homesick. Part of me feels like I should give up in life. Everything just keeps going wrong and I don't even know why.

First of all, my studies. I feel like I don't belong here. Is this just happening in my head because I thought I was going on the right track. Things are getting harder and harder. I feel so alone in a class full of people. Don't I love what I'm studying? Isn't this what I want to do? Isn't this what my heart and mind agreed on? I was supposed to be better instead, I feel like everything is dragging me down. Why is that? Am I not good in what I'm studying? Am I disappointing myself? Shouldn't I be loving whatever that I'm learning now? Of all the times, my mind decided to shut down when I needed it the most. I felt like I've just lost it and I feel so disappointed in myself. Why? Because it's writing. Words. I'm always good with words. I feel like pulling my hair out after the test. If I'm not even good at what I thought I'm good at then what the hell am I good at? Gosh. I feel like my inspiration is gone. I need to find it back. I hate feeling like a loser when I know I belong on top. I'm trying, I'm trying really hard. Sigh. Work with me

Second, the pretending and faking around here. This place has really opened my eyes on who actually cares and who only wants to know. Some of them pretend that they know me well enough to judge me as they want. If you think that I'm predictable, you better think again bitch. You don't tell me what I should do cause I already know. I do things at my own pace. You don't decide what's right for me. What makes you think that you can correct me? To get my attention? To make me open up to you like how I am to my best friends? No, it doesn't work that way. I'm not stupid. I know when you are truly sincere or not. I can sense that you're not being truthful. You don't even know the first thing about me. So, stop bullshitting just because you think you know how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking or how I deal with my own life. Yeah, I'm on my phone all the time, what's your problem? I choose the people who stays in my life even if they hurt me. I always have a reason for what I'm doing. You don't choose who stays in my life for me. I know when to get my shits done, I don't need your advice. If you think you've went through shits, I've went through more.

Third, my heart and my mind. The two hardest thing to explain in words. I'm tired of all the questions that my mind is making me to answer. Moments are beautiful, I know. But moments are just moments. It's there then it's gone. Yes, I don't want to be anyone's side chick. Because I know I'm worth more than that. I deserve more than that. I'm tired of figuring out what both of you want. I need assurance. I need someone who's strong and strong enough for me. I want to be owned knowing that person is going to be fully mine too. But like all moments, it's not permanent. This is all what we'll ever be when we know it could be more, at least I know. I run out of words at time not because I'm hiding. It's because I'm not ready to face and accept it myself. I want to be sure that it is something and not just nothing. Like how it happened last time, he used his moment with me to fulfill his lust by making me feel like he is giving his heart to me and it ended just like that. I don't think I want to feel stuck like that. Thinking whether you mean everything or just to say it for the sake of saying it. One thing for sure, I think my heart has found its place.