Feminine

Lately, something has crossed my mind and it got me thinking. Maybe today because I'm all alone and my mind actually has the time to rethink a lot of stuffs especially the things that has been happening for the past few weeks. So here it goes, the thing that has been bothering me lately is whether am I not girlish enough. I had this thought long ago. I don't know why but it really hurts when people say that I'm not girlish or feminine enough like the others.

Yes, I do have a lot of guy friends but I have quite a number of girl friends too. Guys start treating me like I'm their bro and I always look like the manlier ones beside my girl friends. It's true, I'm not even kidding okay. It makes me feel very insecure because I don't know. Do I even look like a guy to you? Hello. Even since last time, every time Elaine is beside me or wherever she is, people always label me as the more "man-ish" type. It's just not nice okay.

What's even worse is when it comes from your own family. They keep saying that I'm just not feminine enough. They'll always say why can't I be more like Elaine, why can't I be this, why can't be that. Who's gonna marry someone like you? At that time maybe it didn't matter but coming from your own family it hurts okay. Especially when they compare you to your own best friend. Like come on, she is different and I am different. Can't you just appreciate the way I am? Just because I don't dress up, wear make up wherever I go and a bit aggressive makes me any less girlier.

Okay maybe I'm just being too sensitive about this. Then when it comes to my friends. My guy friends especially. Just because I seem like the friendly, cool or shits like that, doesn't mean you can do whatever you want. I'm still a girl no matter how close we are. Have boundaries, dude. I don't care for how long we have known and whether you are gay or not. There's always limits. Then again, I had another thought about this.

Is it because I act like I'm okay with anything that make them think that it's okay to do all those stuffs to me? Sometimes I do feel like I overreact on certain stuffs but that's because it's just me and my past experience. I used to be so naive and I trust them blindly. They took advantage on me and expect me to be okay with it. That's why I'm easily creeped out. That's why I shut people out when I'm creeped out. I have my own reasons. For everything. To make it simple, I just have very bad trust issues with guys especially.

See, among all the guy friends that I have, the one that I trust the most is Luke and Luke only. Not because he is gay but because he knows how to treat a girl properly. He respects me. He knows his boundaries, his limits. He knows how to protect me and take care of me when we're together. I feel nice around him. He makes me feel secure of myself. He doesn't make me feel like shit. I don't expect all of it from other guys but at least show some damn respect.

I just have a very strong personality and because of what I have been through, I deserve to be as defensive as I am now. I am very open minded but not when you do not show any respect and think it is okay to do so because I am "open minded". Please stop being such a dickhead. Just because we bro fist, bro this and bro that, you can do whatever you want. One word to end this post is "UGH".