Best Or Nothing At All

"I could hurt someone like me, out of spite or jealousy. I don't steal and I don't lie but I can feel and I can cry. A fact I'll bet you never knew but to cry in front of you, that's the worst thing I could do."

I've always preach myself with being the best or nothing at all. It's true that when I'm at my best, I am at my very best. But when I'm nothing, I really do feel like I'm nothing at all. It's always easy to handle me at my best because I'm on top of the world and I don't need anyone. But when I fall and feel like I'm just another speck of dust, when I feel like nothing, I can't find anyone who loves me enough to teach me to love myself again. I know that I'm special and what I'm capable of but I'm also a huge mess who sometimes, just needs someone to hold her when she cries.

Days like today, tonight and at this very moment, I ask myself and I question myself whether I will ever be good enough for anyone. It's because moments like this, I would just wonder who could ever love someone as broken as I am. Who could ever handle my breakdowns and still love me then? All my life, I've never been good enough for my mom, my dad, my past relationships, the people I love and myself. I feel like there's a lot of things that's supposed to happen but can't happen because of who I am. How hard I try to understand that I'm hurting so much because it matters.

I try hard to lock up my emotions and push away all the thoughts. I try so hard to understand that I can never be that girl who will get someone that'll love her unconditionally. I'm not like Elaine or Jane. It'll always be harder for me because of who I am and who I choose to be. I keep trying and trying to take control of myself. I hold back my tears because I cannot cry and if I don't, I'll be in this exact position. I'll be punching the wall or drinking. I drop down to the floor, leaning against the wall and I cry. I just cry so hard wishing that why can't I be like everyone else?

I'll blame everyone. I'll blame my parents, I'll blame the people who didn't try harder to fight for me, to love me. I'll blame life and the world. I bury my face to my knees, hug them and I blame myself. I blame myself for not being good enough, strong enough, beautiful enough, kind enough and normal enough. No one will ever love this broken, unpretty, weird and crazy girl. No one will accept me as I am because I'm different. It's hard to change people's mind, to ask them to believe what they don't see, to accept something that is different from them.

In the end, after crying and beating myself up, I get up, I breathe in and I let go. I look myself in the mirror and wipe away few more tears that are streaming down on my face. I told myself that it's gonna be okay with the ache in my heart. It will be okay, not now but it will. I convinced myself that it's okay that I'm different, it's okay that no one will ever love all of me. It's okay, I can stop crying because I'm gonna love myself. I'll love myself even when no one can. Stars fall too you know? But they still shine on their own.