Unspoken

Unspoken words. Unspoken thoughts. Every time when I'm with you, my mind is always empty. I don't know why but it's just empty. Blank, nothing. There's a lot of things that I've been wanting to say to you. Every time that we hang out, there's just so many things I wish that I could've said to you rather than being quiet making you think that I have nothing to say. Honestly, I have a lot to say.

Recently when I called you back after dinner, I just had a really bad day but I didn't wanna talk about it. So, I distract myself by talking about your problems that you've been telling me for days. Us, finding solutions and me worrying for you as usual. Then, out of nowhere you just asked me am I okay. I lied of course and told you that I am. I'm sure it was pretty convincing okay but you said there's something wrong and you can "feel" it. You just went on guessing what was bothering me and I just shut you off by saying it's just a small problem when actually it's not.

In the end, I just told you that I can't see you suffer like this and helped you, again. Problem solved. You came over, had dinner and we talked as usual. We talked when you came, we talked in the car and we talked again before you went back. This time, I'm happy that both of us actually talked and bonded so well after a month of not seeing each other and you being a bitch. I just love how comfortable it is to talk whatever we want. I love how you just open up to me without feeling threatened. It's nice, it feels nice.

In the car, you asked about Hazel and talked to me about it. You told me to stay with you till we graduate and I told him to better keep in contact with me even after we graduate. Then, you told me not to think so much and you know it can be lonely sometimes but you said "You know we'll always have each other here and I'll always help you if I can". That's really nice to hear but to believe, it's just too deceiving. But I know you meant well.

When you're around, I don't feel so homesick because you make me feel like home. I can be myself and I'll know that you won't judge. I feel safe and secure, like nothing in this world can hurt me. Every time before you leave, you'll always give me one big hug. But that day, you gave me two long hugs. Well probably one, I helped you because I'm such a good person and two, you knew that I needed it. Turns out that I don't need much, just that two hugs were enough to make everything alright again.

After you left, I realized you forgot your box of cigarettes and I called you back. You came back up and took it. Like a child getting his candy. We said our goodbyes again and before you walked away, you touched my face and smiled. I know my face is soft, you don't have to touch it. But that was sweet and I liked how you looked at me before you left even though you were high. Honestly, I felt so much better.

Like all the thoughts that's been clouding up my mind just cleared up. I know that I don't open up easily especially after what happened between us. Everything seems so temporary and I can't do that. I don't love you, I don't think I can ever love anyone now. That part of me is gone but I care for you, no matter how much I say I don't, I do. Sometimes, it feels like I'm looking at a mirror. When I look at you, I see myself in you.

I don't know what's gonna happen in the future or what we will be or where this is gonna go but one thing for sure I'm glad that I have you for now. Even when I know you're just using me, the things you said can be so contradicting and that all of this is just you being in the moment and nothing more. I mean it's not okay but I can't let you die either. I want you to be yourself. Less of an asshole and more of the real you. Mostly, I just really want you to graduate. Till then.