Thoughts again.

Movies. You know what I love about movies? Good movies, I mean. They actually bring you into their world and make you feel like you're a part of it. Sometimes they teach you, sometimes they remind you the feelings that you thought you can never feel again. They give you inspirations, they give you lessons. At the right place and time, movies have a way to knock some sense into you and make you realize things that you've been stuck thinking about it day and night. That's what I love about movies other than hot yummy actors like Ryan Gosling.

I've recently read few articles and watched The Awkward Moment. Thank God for that movie because I've realized so much. I've realized how much I have to let all of this go. I've realized how much I have to stop hanging on to things that will never, ever happen. I realized that I'm so much better, I know that I am so, so much better than what I am now. I have to move on. I have to keep moving forward and stop putting assholes my priority. I can only hurt so much, endure so much, look pass so much of your bullshits.

In that movie, she said to him "You weren't there for me on the day when I really, really needed you. And being there for someone when they need you? That's all relationships are, that's all they are". I know that we're not in a relationship but we're also more than friends. What are we really? What are we? I'm not just someone you just can come to and fuck around then leave. I have to love you to actually want to fuck you. Even if we're not gonna be what we want, is it so hard to even man up and let me see your Goddamn face?

You gave me tons of reasons which seems more like empty words to me now. That I should understand your position. Understand your feelings. Have I not understand enough? Have I not given you almost everything you wanted? Well that's the thing, you have everything you wanted now. You have good education, good life and you have love. You are happy. While me? What do I have? Who is the one being selfish now? Who's the one not being understanding? You just couldn't accept the fact that you are a liar. You're so good at finding loopholes, so good at making me believe.

Did you even mean it when you said you loved me back? If all of this were actually real, isn't loving me a good enough reason to be with me? I just don't understand all of this. I wanna run away from this so badly. I don't want to be in this position because you're toxic. You're killing me. Too much of you can just kill me. The thought of you not being mine kills me. And you want to know what's that one thing that kills me the most? Being in love with someone that I have never even met in person before. I haven't even seen you and I already did so much, gave so much and it scares me. No, it terrifies me.

You never really care about me. You only care about what I can do for you. You talk a good game about not expecting so much from you. Well, you shouldn't expect so much from me. Stop expecting me to be okay. Stop expecting me to do all those things with you and not have feelings for you. Stop expecting me to not get hurt from whatever shit your doing. Don't expect me to understand where you're going with this. Because all these expectations are for robots. I am not a robot. I can feel and I can cry. And all those mean words that you've been throwing at me? How is this fair? How is this fair for me? How? You tell me. Please, make me understand.

How about you just wear off the mask, come have a coffee with me and show me who you really are.