Visions.

Restless nights as usual. I don't know why. Every time before I sleep, my heart is so uneasy. Last Saturday night was a good night after such a long week. I've been very quiet about things that has been happening and changing. The fact that I was so quiet about it, I start to see who actually noticed. Sad to say that I was just very disappointed to a point where I don't even wanna bother or talk about it anymore.

I have more important things to focus on like my own life. I want to focus on myself, my heart, my emotions, my mind, my career and the people around me. When I started to take a step back, I realized a lot of things. It really opened up my eyes. Especially the people around me who I thought would actually understand me more than others. I was so wrong. I just kept telling myself from that day onwards, no one can ever talk down to me. Who are you to say all those things about me when you should reflect back on yourself and what you're doing.

We're all adults here or trying to be. I know that everyone has their own struggles but is it necessary for you to be so mean? I get that you're hurting yourself but what makes you think that it is okay for you to hurt other people who really care for you? I'm pretty sure you know that words are very powerful. What you say when you're angry or hurting, you can never take it back no matter how many times you apologized. Words can haunt them for the rest of their lives if you abuse it that way. No matter how strong or heartless or independent a person is, at the end of the day, all of us are human.

We have feelings. We're not designed to be incapable of feelings. We just learn to build up walls to protect ourselves from our own fears. I know because I do that. Yes, only you can protect yourself. But we're so focused on protecting ourselves, we don't even realize that we're pushing away people who truly cares for you. Where's the compassion? Where's the kindness? Don't we all deserve to be loved and understood? What is wrong with opening up and telling people how we really feel? Why are we letting fear control us? We're all scared of the unknown but that is how we learn to live.

I'm actually glad that I'm sensitive and emotional. At least I know that no matter how many times I get hurt, I'd still be able to believe. At least being sensitive teaches me to be kind. Kindness is something worth sharing. It makes me more aware of my actions towards others. I wouldn't want to hurt somebody because I know how it feels. But that doesn't mean I don't hurt people too, I admit that I do. I'm human and I have my own limits. Too much hurt also can kill me mentally. I know that I'm not perfect but who is? I wanna do things that makes me happy and make sure the people around me are happy too. 

Well now, I see a lot of things. I see people who tries hard to figure me out. I see people who actually took their time out and be with me. Maybe being happy is just to focus on the simple stuffs like the first sip of a good coffee. I'm happy to have people who listens instead of telling me what to do. I'm happy to have people that understands rather than judging. People who asks and notices. People who goes all walls down and talk to you. People who actually gives a shit. I choose to inspire and I'm just very inspired by people like this.

Maybe I'm not like them. I'm not selfless, kind or anything close to that but I'm learning to be. Pain is just a part of me and I guess it's a good thing. Pain is a reminder that I'm alive. Pain shows me that I'm actually moving on from the past. Some people are just not worth looking back for. I'm happy with what I have now. I'm keeping everything simple, like enjoying my moments with him, drinking and chilling with the girls, have deep conversations and maybe the demons in me will give it a rest and let me live my life. This is my perspective though. Till then.