Another Late Night Thought

Third time writing this month. I think I'm too bitter to be in love or love anyone. That's what happens when you let someone in a little too much. When you let some people in a little too much, you give them the power to break every piece of you. Even the pieces that you never knew exist. Of course, the power is given with trust but trust is such a fragile word for me now. How can you possibly trust anyone again after being so damaged? There's the doubts, the fear, insecurities and overthinking. Sometimes I can't help it, sometimes I can't help but to write out all the sad, pathetic stories of my life. Then again, no pain should ever belittled. Pain is pain.

After loving someone that you can never have, the pain is just way too deep. The time for it to heal is going to take more than a while. It's not easy for me to just move on from someone I have loved dearly. But I have to take a step ahead somehow right? First and foremost, meeting new people. I have to start everything all over again. Yes, I have flings here and there till I met this one person. Different from everyone else, a little quirky and very adorable. Everything is right with him, even my mind is less noisier. What could be better than that? I like him, I really do. But after going through so much previously, I have my anxieties.

I want this to work yet I also just want to go with the flow. I want him to be sure of me yet I'm not so sure myself. It's all very confusing. Communication is in fact very important to me. The base of any relationship needs to have a strong communication. If not, what's the whole point? If I'm not even sure of where I stand in your life then again, what's the point? Yes, there's no need to text 24/7 but the assurance needs to be strong. If you're just half there and half here, what's the point? We all have our long days and exhaustion but priorities. Make sure each of us are thought of even on busy days. Tell me how was your day, tell me how you came in late and got screwed. Give me a lengthy story, call me. I don't want small talks. I am definitely not a small talker.

Appreciate me when I forget how to love myself. Assure me when I'm lost in my own insecurities. Talk to me when there's something wrong, tell me what's going on. Ask me what's wrong, ask me what's going on. I don't want just normal pointless talks. I want real talks, I want to look into your eyes and be able to see your soul. I am just as deep as that because I don't want to just fall for another person. I know things aren't going to be easy because we are all terrified inside. We are all afraid to get hurt again. But what if all of that fear is worth the risk? Instead of giving in to the doubts and overthinking, why not just take the risk? If the feeling is mutual, why not give it a try?

However, you're not obliged to live up to my expectations but if I'm not worthy of your time then why are you still here? How long are you planning to keep me in this bubble? It's either you're sure or you're not. Whether you want to make it work or you don't. There's nothing wrong with having a little deeper conversations. Show me all your dark sides and let me fall for you anyway. In the end, how else would we ever build trust if none of us are willing to open up and bare our souls to each other? Well, it's just another one of my late night thoughts of how the world should be. Till then.