Looking Back

To be awake at this time of the day, you tend to come across a lot of things. Well, I came across Kelly Clarkson's latest performance on American Idol. She sang her single "Piece by Piece" beautifully with such raw and pure emotions. It's easier to relate to a song when the lyrics speaks to you. It hits me how important words are. How the things you say can actually affect people. They are powerful, influential and most importantly, how you choose your words.

In her song, she mentioned about how her father left her, the hardship she went through till where she is now. She sang about how she would never treat her daughter like how her father treated her. How she is grateful that she found someone that is nothing like her father. Well Kelly, high five! For someone that has been growing up in a broken and a complicated family, I understand, I can relate. But things are great now. No, not great. Things are better now.

I remember I used to cry every Sunday night after my dad dropped me off back to my mom. I used to hate going back to my mom, I'll do anything and everything to stall. She was always so busy working and worrying about my stepdad. While my dad is far away, earning and found someone that he's happy with. In between all of that, I was there stuck and confused. As I grew up, I find attention and affection elsewhere. (boys, boys, boys)

To get hurt as many times as I did, to wear my heart on my sleeves has made me learn that boys will be boys. They're afraid of commitment, they're unsure of what they want and all they can ever think about is fun, fun, fun. They don't care about you, they care about what you can benefit them. It took me quite a few heartbreaks and emotional breakdowns to realize that they are not the solution. Ah, those were the days where everyone thought I was a crazy, psychopathic bitch. Still kinda am though.

I was a mess back then, a total mess. It was a painful fall but slowly growing up turned into growing independent. All the pain, the judgments and mean words were took in and turned into strength. I'm not perfect, I know that. I am broken and messy still but wiser. Yes, all alone but through time, I found people who cares for me dearly, accepts me for who I am and I can never be more grateful for these bunch of amazing souls. 

I did promised myself that I would never want my children to go through like how I did. I don't want my children to grow up thinking that they're unwanted, worthless or unloved. I don't want to bring a life into an unhappy marriage. I've had my fair share of fooling around but now what's done is done. I am quite content with where I am now. I have great, supportive friends. I have a great man that loves me for who I am. My relationship between my mom is improving.

Like I said before, I am my own woman and it's time for me to act like one. Till then.